My birthday passed away few days ago turning me into 18. Being 18 becomes a great deal because all of us are taught that when we will turn 18 we can do anything, we will become adult's and we would not need to seek permission from anyone for anything. Now this sounds exciting and bit independent but in reality it's not for me. Even I was waiting for this day but as my birthday was coming closer my excitement and happiness ended gradually. Every year I used to be very much thrilled on my birthday's and would celebrate it with my whole family and some guest's. This year celebration took off my interest and I wanted to distribute some blankets or food within the needy people. Well, first I should tell you about the day.
I have turned 18 but still I'm the same old child who cries all the time in little things. It was 12AM exactly and I was looking at the my room's door and expecting my parent's to come and wish me first. But unfortunately nobody came, and I started crying as the clock struck 12:02AM. Then I got a phone call and a very unexpected person wished me, it was my sister's husband(jijaji). Then it was my friend Sakshi and so on... Now she was asking about a party so I told her about my no party mood which made her think that I was sad but I said I was fine and if she wants then she can come to my house, which she agreed to. My mother woke me up in the morning, wishing me with a kiss on my cheek, my father is a bit busy man, he has to leave for work at 5 in the morning and I was sleeping so we didn't meet. Then my mother gave me list of groceries to buy which she would need to cook that day. I went to the market and bought the things with some snacks for my friend. Then I brought Sakshi home from her place and cooked some sandwiches for her. She brought me a birthday cake which was very sweet of her. My mother cooked some rice, paneer, a mandatory sweet dish called kheer which was given for worshipping the god because of the birthday occasion and later on she cooked some chicken. We had the food and then called my whole family at a place and I cut the cake. After these, I left to drop my friend home, while my family had the lunch. I was back home by 4 and then my body temperature started rising. I don't know why I'm falling ill regularly, I was already sick since 8 to 9 day's. I went to sleep and started dreaming[I'll come to dream after this], while my mother was planning to go to my maternal grandma's house(nani ghar) with me and my brother's. My father came home and sat besides me and touched my forehead, he said I was having fever so I should not go anywhere. My mother and brother's left with my uncle by telling me to reach there with father. My father dropped me there after an hour. My elder cousin brother took me to a momo stall then after I went back I slept for the whole evening over there. My father brought us home at night and then we had our dinner and went to bed. This was the whole day with my phone ringing every now and then, getting me wishes from my schoolmates, relative's, teacher's, etc.
So except my friend came home for the first time, my mother's kiss and the worshipping of god, nothing was new. Rest of the thing's happens regularly. My father is a bit disturbed and busy these days so the distribution of blankets or food was not been done but he has promised me to do it by the coming Sunday.
The age 18 usually related with the word adult by everyone, is not at all relatable as such for me. As soon as my birthday came closer I realised that 18 is nothing but it just gives us the right to vote and have the necessary documents such as driving licence, pan card, etc. Nobody becomes an adult or anything or nobody gets those so called freedom to do anything without seeking permission from elder's. Everything is the same. Only the thing which I feel is changing are my emotions, maybe I'm becoming more childish. I'm getting offended very fast since a month or two, sometimes I want to explain every single detail about something to someone and sometimes I don't want to explain anything to anyone. I notice every little thing and take it emotionally, one very small example was that I waited for my parent's to come and wish me at 12 exactly but when they didn't I started crying and felt they don't love me. And I'm least bothered of anyone, I'm just concerned about my mother and father that what do they think about me, do they love me or not, are they happy with me or not, what thing's of mine offend or please them, they love my brother's more than me or equally, do they discriminate between me and my brother's, and a hell lot of things. When I see my mother laughing and talking with my brother's without me then most of the time I feel that my parent's are happier with my brother's only and their happiness fades away when I join them, sometimes when my mother asks me to do few works of her and not my brother's I feel she discriminates between us, then I feel they want me to just get married and go away as soon as possible as if I'm a burden... I never eat my food by myself, my mother has to feed me by her hands everyday and if one day she misses and by chance in the very same day she feeds my brother's then I start crying saying that "today when I didn't come for food, you didn't even ask me once for having it and you are feeding my brother's", I know this is silly but it hurts me and I start crying. On my birthday one more thing had hurt me and that was, she puts my brothers picture's with a caption 'happy birthday beta' in her whatsapp status on their birthday's but she didn't put any in my birthday. I told her this while talking with my grandma. Then she said I was busy and all, and she had put the status with my pictures with that caption in the next day.
All these things are very childish but these emotions are growing by itself only. If I want to avoid it then also I can't. These things look good when we are little kids of class 7, 8 but now when we are gaining maturity, being capable of understanding thing's better, think and work, is not expected...
Earlier I used to think that after 12, I would leave this state and go somewhere else to study and live alone. But just a dream changed this thought. In that Evening sleep of my birthday, I dreamt that, I was taken to a military school by my parent's where I had to stay for 3 to 4 year's after higher secondary education which was mandatory for everyone in that dream world. So I was taken with my luggage and a lot of food. My parent's shifted my stuff's into my room which I was alloted in the hostel, then my mother took out the tasty foods for me and said have them when you would feel like. I started shouting and crying like anything that no I would not stay here, don't go, don't leave me, I want to go home but they didn't listen to me, anyhow they convinced me and asked me to call the hostel warden. I went to search for her but I came back to my room when I didn't find her but then I saw my parent's disappeared. I again started crying and searching for them all around the hostel then I saw them leaving the school gate and I ran towards them crying and screeming. I reached them and held my mother and started crying more louder and I woke up till then. As soon as I woke up, my tears were not stopping and we're rolling down my cheeks like the Niagra fall's. I then realised that it is very tough living alone without parent's and for me it's next to impossible. I will never be able to live without them and at the moment I have changed my mind of going somewhere else to study and live alone.
18 hasn't made me independent or an adult in any way but has just made me more immature and childish and one year closer towards death.
